He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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