U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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