She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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