the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
