I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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