i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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