eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
