Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
