Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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