I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize