remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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