She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
