found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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