I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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