You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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