dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
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