do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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