you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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