someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
