He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
