I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
