not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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