I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
