Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
