How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
