OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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