history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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