And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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