apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
