My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
