I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
