I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
