Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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