I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
