do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
