Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
my nose is crying tears of wow.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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