I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
