you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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