i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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