Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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