my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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