she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
