Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
