I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
