so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So here I am, sexting at work.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize