we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
