saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize