Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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