Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
