I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
