if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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