Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
