I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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