drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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