Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
