I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
