4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
this will be a night to untag.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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