Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
