i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
