just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
