What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
