found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
