"it" just moved
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
