I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
