Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
